On Fact-Resistant Humans

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

The research, conducted by the University of Minnesota, identifies a virulent strain of humans who are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving scientists at a loss as to how to combat them.

“These humans appear to have all the faculties necessary to receive and process information,” Davis Logsdon, one of the scientists who contributed to the study, said. “And yet, somehow, they have developed defenses that, for all intents and purposes, have rendered those faculties totally inactive.”

More worryingly, Logsdon said, “As facts have multiplied, their defenses against those facts have only grown more powerful.”
While scientists have no clear understanding of the mechanisms that prevent the fact-resistant humans from absorbing data, they theorize that the strain may have developed the ability to intercept and discard information en route from the auditory nerve to the brain. “The normal functions of human consciousness have been completely nullified,” Logsdon said.

While reaffirming the gloomy assessments of the study, Logsdon held out hope that the threat of fact-resistant humans could be mitigated in the future. “Our research is very preliminary, but it’s possible that they will become more receptive to facts once they are in an environment without food, water, or oxygen,” he said.

Opera We Can All Appreciate

Thanks to my friend Jonathan for sending this along:

This Just In

From The New Yorker:

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a dramatic announcement from the White House Rose Garden on Thursday, Donald J. Trump pronounced the planet Earth a “loser” and vowed to make a better deal with a new planet.

“Earth is a terrible, very bad planet,” he told the White House press corps. “It’s maybe the worst planet in the solar system, and it’s far from the biggest.”

Trump blasted former President Barack Obama for signing deals that committed the United States to remain on the planet Earth indefinitely. “Obama is almost as big a loser as Earth,” Trump said. “If Obama was a planet, guess what planet he’d be? That’s right: Earth.”

When asked which planet he would make a new deal with, Trump offered few specifics, saying only, “The solar system has millions of terrific planets, and they’re all better than Earth, which is a sick, failing loser.”

Trump’s remarks drew a strong response from one of the United States’ nato allies, Germany’s Angela Merkel. “I strongly support Donald Trump leaving the planet Earth,” she said.

Climate Change Variables

Now that Donald Trump has formally announced that the U.S. will withdraw from the Paris Climate Accord, will the efforts of individual states and municipalities be enough to limit the damage of his benighted decision? This report provides some basis for hope:



Meanwhile, back home, Canadian mayors are not buying what Trump is selling.

Additionally, California's powerful leadership role in combating carbon emissions cannot be easily dismissed.

The Infrastructure Bank: Another Taxpayer-Funded Subsidy To Big Business

There are undoubtedly those who will never accept the fact that in electing Justin Trudeau and his sunny band of men and women, they were, in fact, putting into power a group as neoliberal as the outgoing Harper regime. It is a hard truth, one that I have had to accept despite the fact that mine was one of the many votes that put the Liberals back into power.

The latest evidence of this sad truth is found in new information about the Canadian Infrastructure Bank, a scheme ostensibly designed to raise private capital to fund various projects to rebuild our steadily decaying roads, bridges, etc.

Federal investments doled out through the government’s new infrastructure financing agency may be used to ensure a financial return to private investors if a project fails to generate enough revenues, documents show.

What investors have recently been told — and what the finance minister was told late last year — is that if revenues fall short of estimates, federal investments through the bank would act as a revenue floor to help make a project commercially viable.

Experts say the wording in the documents suggests taxpayers will be asked to take on a bigger slice of the financial risk in a project to help private investors, a charge the government rejects.

The devil, as they say, is in the details:

An October briefing note to Finance Minister Bill Morneau ahead of the fall economic update where the government unveiled the financial plan for the bank, said federal funding could be structured in such a way that the bank’s “return on investment will only materialize if defined institutional investor revenue thresholds are met.”

“The infrastructure bank could enter in the capital structure to bridge the gap between reasonable returns on investment for investors and the revenue generation capacity of specific infrastructure projects,” reads the briefing note, obtained by The Canadian Press under the Access to Information Act.

In other words, if I interpret this correctly, should revenues for private investors fall below expectations, we, the taxpayers, will be propping up their profits.

Despite my aging olfactory system, I am forced to conclude that this scheme does not pass any reasonable smell test.

In Some Ways, It Must Be Nice To Be An Idiot

That way, you get to say anything that comes into your near-empty head.

Some Interesting Facts About Andrew Scheer

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